This is why I sleep so damn much. This is why most days, if I don’t have something to do, I don’t even bother getting out of bed. This is why I prefer living in dreams, controlled by my subconscious, rather than face reality when I am actually in control. This is why I stay wrapped up in my warm blankets instead of leaving the sanctum that is my room. Every time I make the mistake of leaving my bed, every time I take a chance on life, every time I see e morning sun and day “Today will be different” everything, everything, EVERYTHING in my world falls apart.
Finally went to the movies fried. I enjoyed myself.
If I were to drop dead right now…well that would be okay. Not because in content with my life, but because I’m the furthest thing from content. I feel like I lost my purpose. I’m so lost in the crazy mixed up world, I don’t even know what I wanna do with my life anymore. The one that I trusted the most betrayed me. My college life is pretty full and pointless at the moment. And every time I come home I have to struggle just to find a place to sleep. Why am I still here?
Just saw one of those Disney commercials where they try to make every girl believe they’re a princess. And I had a thought. How come they don’t promote Disney princes as well? Maybe u don’t wanna be a princess. Honestly I don’t. Why don’t the princes get any credit??
I think I’ve spent the last 5 or 6 years of my life worrying about my friends, trying to be that one person they can always coun even when everyone else leaves. That’s me. It’s like, if you imagine the roof of a house being torn up by wind and rain. I’m that one sturdy support beam that keeps it up. That one bit of support that’ll never let you fall. Yeah, that’s me. But we all need support right? I just want somebody to understand that I go through tough shit too. And I’ve been keeping my head held high, up until now. I cannot continue to keep everyone else happy when sometimes I can’t even face my reflection. The pain is too great. All I’m saying is, I want somebody to give a damn about me for once. But at the same time, I don’t want to force them to care, because the support isn’t real. It isn’t genuine. And that’s what I need. I want people to care, but not to pretend to care. Who’s telling me it’s okay when my mom sleeps on the couch every night and my crackhead step-dad sleeps in a bed he didn’t pay for? Who’s telling me it’s alright when I haven’t seen my girlfriend in 4 weeks because her mother does things to purposely keep us separated? I don’t even know if I’ll get a chance to see her before I leave for college. Who’s telling me God still loves me even in my sin? Who’s comforting me when the girl I will always be in love with is giving her heart away to someone after a few months, even though I’ve been working on her for almost 4 years. He can’t love you like I can. My heart is hurting. And I don’t expect anybody to be able to mend it, because no one knows me that deep. For now, I just need someone to help me hold the pieces together. Ya know, just some support.