Finally went to the movies fried. I enjoyed myself.
If I were to drop dead right now…well that would be okay. Not because in content with my life, but because I’m the furthest thing from content. I feel like I lost my purpose. I’m so lost in the crazy mixed up world, I don’t even know what I wanna do with my life anymore. The one that I trusted the most betrayed me. My college life is pretty full and pointless at the moment. And every time I come home I have to struggle just to find a place to sleep. Why am I still here?
Just saw one of those Disney commercials where they try to make every girl believe they’re a princess. And I had a thought. How come they don’t promote Disney princes as well? Maybe u don’t wanna be a princess. Honestly I don’t. Why don’t the princes get any credit??
I think I’ve spent the last 5 or 6 years of my life worrying about my friends, trying to be that one person they can always coun even when everyone else leaves. That’s me. It’s like, if you imagine the roof of a house being torn up by wind and rain. I’m that one sturdy support beam that keeps it up. That one bit of support that’ll never let you fall. Yeah, that’s me. But we all need support right? I just want somebody to understand that I go through tough shit too. And I’ve been keeping my head held high, up until now. I cannot continue to keep everyone else happy when sometimes I can’t even face my reflection. The pain is too great. All I’m saying is, I want somebody to give a damn about me for once. But at the same time, I don’t want to force them to care, because the support isn’t real. It isn’t genuine. And that’s what I need. I want people to care, but not to pretend to care. Who’s telling me it’s okay when my mom sleeps on the couch every night and my crackhead step-dad sleeps in a bed he didn’t pay for? Who’s telling me it’s alright when I haven’t seen my girlfriend in 4 weeks because her mother does things to purposely keep us separated? I don’t even know if I’ll get a chance to see her before I leave for college. Who’s telling me God still loves me even in my sin? Who’s comforting me when the girl I will always be in love with is giving her heart away to someone after a few months, even though I’ve been working on her for almost 4 years. He can’t love you like I can. My heart is hurting. And I don’t expect anybody to be able to mend it, because no one knows me that deep. For now, I just need someone to help me hold the pieces together. Ya know, just some support.
This has been heavy on my mind for a while now, and now I can’t sleep. I really shouldn’t be thinking about this, I really shouldn’t. I just can’t let it go for some reason. You know that feeling you get when you see someone that used to mean so much to you, and all of a sudden, all those feelings come rushing back again. I really shouldn’t.
I found a letter from you today. It wasn’t even cute, or sweet, or sentimental. But the fact that it was from you, and the fact that you even mentioned use being together…so many memories. You took up the majority of my senior year. There was so much passion between. It’s hard to fathom how we were able to let that go. But then take the time to think back, and I remember.
I remember that day, you hurt me like nobody ever has. It’s not that I was in love with you, although I might have gotten there eventually. I still can’t believe you had the nerve to type those words. I’m hurting just thinking about it, even though it’s been almost a year.
Did you even consider how I felt? Did you ever think maybe this would hurt my feelings even a little bit?? Especially seeing as how you wanted the relationship more than I did. I still had doubts, but you were so sure. I know you meant what you said, before. I could tell from the look in your eyes. You can’t fake something like that.
I really shouldn’t.
I remember that argument we had on facebook. You brought him into it. That’s when things went wrong. You just told him what he wanted to hear. You made me the bad guy within a matter of minutes. So much pain. I don’t want to start from the beginning. I just want to remember the end, so I know to never make that mistake again.
We had been getting close for almost two years. Of course, you were on and off with him through it all, but I was on the sidelines the whole time. Remember? I tried to break it off. It was your idea to cease communication all together, so that neither of us had to feel this hurt. As it turns out, I’m the only one left wounded.
You let him back into your life, without so much as a “goodbye”. You showed him ALL of our intimate conversations. You let him talk for you. You let him attack me. Every girl eventually experiments. That’s what you told him? Really? You told me “I love you.” What kind of twisted experiment is that??
I really shouldn’t.
"Yeah I was just experimenting….. It was fun but I mean it’s not reality. I don’t have anything against gays or bi’s. It’s just not me."
I said you wouldn’t have kept coming back if you didn’t like it.
"I didn’t repeat shit but a kiss to make sure I wasn’t Bi."
The Bull Shit. But the hardest part is knowing that you didn’t mean it. Can we just go back in time, just for a minute? I want to remember what we felt like again. Can we go back? No regrets. No fuck ups. No him. Just for a minute. We cared too much for us to be nothing now. We did too much. Too much passion. Whisper my name like you did before. Remember? You didn’t want to wait for me, even though you promised you would. I have the letter to prove it. I know you meant it. I still see it. Can we go back? Please?
I really shouldn’t
This seems like one of those reasons why a faithful person would want to be a player. But I don’t want to be a player. I just don’t want to fall in love. Don’t want to get in too deep. We’re only human, and humans lie. Run away with your heart and feel no remorse. I can’t sleep.
My girlfriend can read me like a book, but she hasn’t seen this chapter. She doesn’t understand why I do what I do. She allows me to be an asshole. She says she’s used to it. I wish for once she would just cuss me out or slap the hell out of me. I don’t do it for fun. She doesn’t understand, but I think I do, finally.
I can’t sleep.
One night. I had you for one night and it’s been fucking with my mind ever since. You came on to me first. You started rubbing my back which turned into kissing my neck. I didn’t even know you wanted me that bad. I spent the night. But I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking too much. Thinking about what just happened, and what would happen tomorrow. I couldn’t decide if what I had done was wrong or not because I wasn’t sure where I stood with my significant other at the time. But what I thought about the most was how you treated me. It was one night, but I swear we acted like we had been in love for years. We didn’t fall asleep at first. We were too busy cuddling and talking. I came to realize I don’t miss you for you, which is sad. But I miss what you did. I miss the way you bite your lip. I miss the way you rub head. I miss the way your fingers traveled along my skin. I miss the way you wrapped yourself around me and softly kissed my forehead before you fell asleep. Some things I think I just miss because it had become routine for me. I miss picking you up from work. I miss you bringing me free food. I miss you asking me “So how was your day?” as soon as you got in the car. I miss smoking a black and mild with you during the ride home. I miss chilling at your house until 4am chain smoking and watching throwback music videos. I miss walking from one end of Salem to the other talking about life, past, present, and future. I miss sitting on a blanket on the side of the road watching fireworks that are too far away to hear. I miss all these things, but I don’t miss them because of you, I miss them because I wish I could do all those things with her. I wish we could lay bed together and talk all night. I wish we could chill together until 4am watching TV. I wish we could watch fireworks and take walks and do all the things that lovers do. I enjoyed these things with you, but I wish I could have it all with her.